|
Why
You Can't Not Worry
Don't worry.
How
many times have we heard that ludicrous and totally unhelpful
statement? Clearly if we were able to not worry, then that's
exactly what we'd be doing - isn't it? After all, worry is
no fun, no fun at all, and we'd all much rather be having
fun than worrying - wouldn't we?
I
would like to introduce to you something that psychologists
call a schema. Another word for a schema is a strategy - something
that achieves something we want to achieve. Or more accurately
something we believe achieves what we want to achieve and
frequently mislead ourselves into continuing to believe despite
evidence to the contrary - like not achieving what the strategy
is supposed to achieve.
Let's
go way back to childhood, where the first schemas develop.
Schemas develop by virtue of intelligence and noticing what
works. Babies cry. How long does it take a baby to develop
a crying schema. I'm hungry, I cry, someone puts food in my
mouth. Only at the developmental level of a baby it's more
like uncomfortable feeling that isn't understood, cry when
uncomfortable. And babies aren't aware of separate people
being separate individuals. The whole world is just an extension
of the baby. It's the parents that quickly train the child
into those connections with the thing the parent does and
that is to make the baby comfortable by noticing whether or
not the problem is hunger, pain, soiling, or just wanting
to be held. And so the battle starts of the baby learning
strategies to get what it wants when it wants and the parent
who attempts to socialise the child into eating at regular
times, going to the toilet at regular times, sleeping at regular
times and getting cuddles at regular times. Sometimes the
child wins, sometimes the parent.
So
we learn very quickly the schema that crying makes us more
comfortable. When was the last time you cried when you wanted
something to eat? So it seems reasonable to assume that sometime
between babyhood and now you either learned a new eating strategy
or modified the old one. And you probably did this because
Parent decided that it wasn't in your best interests to grow
up believing that the world would satisfy every one of your
needs instantly. And they did this in your best interests
because to allow you to grow up with that belief would turn
you into a spoiled, selfish, self-centred child with no empathy
for others.
We
developed other strategies by watching what other people did
and emulating it.
There's
something else quite different about young children and adults.
Young children are very healthily present-moment oriented
- this is why instant gratification makes sense to a child.
They aren't unduly concerned about tomorrow or next week,
because what's going on now is okay and the world is full
of interesting things to explore and learn about and develop
strategies to deal with. A child's mind has enough going on
right now to keep it fully occupied and entertained.
Until
we adults decide to screw that up for them.
Santa
will bring you that for Christmas if you're good!
What
a wonderful way to teach a child to worry.
In
that simple sentence we teach the child that the future is
important. We teach the child that they need to be concerned
about whether or not some unknown, hairy old man (a bit like
a God is to adults) will approve of them enough to bring them
their heart's desire. We teach them that they have to please
someone that they don't know and will never meet (except perhaps
at a Grotto, but then we introduce the confusion of different
Santas at different grottos) and have no way of knowing what
pleases this person and what doesn't except that displeasing
Mum and/or Dad usually brings the suggestion that Santa won't
be pleased either.
Birthdays
are another way we teach children to focus on the future rather
than the present. When you go to school. When you go to big
school. When you go to college. When you go to University.
When you get a job. When you grow up. When you earn lots of
money you'll be able to… When you have babies. When we
go on holiday. And maybe even - when you die?
We
expose our youngsters to a barrage of future oriented thoughts
and suggestions that slowly but surely switch the focus from
Now to Then. But we never ever tell them that Now is the only
time they will ever experience and that Then is always imagined.
And
this is how we learn to worry. We become so focused on what
might or might not happen; we become so focused on whether
we please or displease others; we become so focused on outcomes…
that we forget to experience who and what we are. We forget
to experience and enjoy right now.
Now
I have to admit that some people excel at worrying. And some
people don't. But most of us seem to have the capacity to
do it. It's just that we don't all worry about the same things.
Some people worry about getting in an aeroplane and others
worry about money and whether or not they can pay the bills.
Some people worry about going to the dentist and others worry
about whether or not to get new curtains.
What
you worry about doesn't matter and while it seems that if
you had to choose a worry then where to go on holiday probably
would win hands down over waiting for a cancer diagnosis -
but if you are worried then you are worried and for you, in
your world, with your life circumstances it's a serious problem
because it's hanging around in your mind and stopping you
from enjoying your life and being free and expressive in the
way that young child was that we were thinking about earlier.
Having
experienced lifelong training in the art of worrying, and
having perfected worrying schemas that suggest a worrying
strategy is somehow dealing with a problem in a way that is
much better than not dealing with it at all, it is insane
to suggest to someone that they should stop worrying. Worry
is like a virus. Once you've got it you get attacks of it
all your life. It drops into dormancy for long, or not so
long, periods of time, always ready to re-emerge at the slightest
sign of Life not moving in just the perfect way you would
like it to.
The
easiest solution to worrying is just not to do it.
But
to someone who has a deeply rooted worrying schema, this seems
like an impossibility because the schema itself suggests that
terrible will things will happen if you don't worry. And you
know this because if you ever find a moment when the worry
isn't present you soon start to worry about not worrying,
because serious things are going on around you and you SHOULD
be worrying (while at the same time feeling envious of those
who seem immune from worry).
If
you'd like to break the habit, then you have to take the risk
of not worrying for just five minutes and see what happens.
If nothing bad happens and the problem is still there, and
you are still there, then you may well survive not worrying
for five minutes some other time. And so you teach yourself
a new strategy. You see, if you decide not to worry for just
five minutes, the schema doesn't feel too threatened because
It's all about the future and It knows that five minutes is
only a short time and that after five minutes It gets control
back.
For
a specific concern you are worried about right now, get a
pen and a piece of paper and write down in big letters at
the top of the page
"I am worried about…"
or,
"I am worried… …might happen".
Then
underneath write down all the consequences you fear.
Let's
take an example "Fear of Flying".
I
am worried about going on holiday because I have to fly.
The
plane might crash
I might die
I might panic
I might panic and look foolish
I might feel embarrassed
I might faint
I might fight with the Flight Attendant to get out when she's
closing the door.
I might throw up
I might be too frightened to come home and be stuck
The tyres might explode
The wing might fall off
The engine might catch fire
We might get hijacked
Then
on another sheet of paper rewrite the whole lot only this
time put them in order of importance with the biggest fear
at the top of the list and smallest fear at the bottom. And
then on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is total uncontrollable
screaming panicking fear, and 1 is feeling calm and peaceful,
give a score to each of the items.
Then
have a look for a theme.
With
Flying Phobia common themes are fear of death, claustrophobia,
fear of embarrassment, inability to have any impact on your
own destiny for the time you are locked in the cabin, or fear
of being different.
The
theme is the real problem. That's what you need to explore
either on your own, using self-help books or tapes, or with
a therapist whose approach you feel comfortable with.
One
other thing… If you are an habitual worrier, then you
might consider what you would be doing with your mind should
you have nothing to worry about. Consider learning meditation,
self-hypnosis, or a new skill or hobby to occupy, or train,
your mind so that you are the one in the driving seat and
no longer a passenger being dragged along to all the Hells
that your thoughts can create for you.
|
