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After
The Affair
You
don't know what it is, something unusual happens in your day,
a strange coincidence, or you just find yourself somehow being
pulled…
…but
you arrive home at a time when you would normally not be home,
You feel a little odd, can't quite put your finger on it but
you know something is wrong. You close the front door quietly
and hear a noise upstairs… burglars? No, you hear a woman's
giggle, you climb the stairs… push your bedroom door
open… and your husband is in bed with another woman.
YOUR BED. The bed that you sleep together and make love in.
Was
it like that for you? Or did you discover the infidelity some
other way?
What
were the feelings? Betrayal, humiliation, anger, rage, embarrassment,
sadness, desire for vengeance, sorrow, grief?
Was
she younger than you? More attractive? Less attractive? Did
you find it difficult to understand what he saw in her? Did
you find it harder to understand what she saw in him? Did
you question your own attractiveness? Did you question your
ability to please him sexually? Did you ask what it was she
would do for him that you wouldn't? How could he do it in
our home? How could he do it in our bed?
Do
you feel violated? Is your home no longer the place it was?
Do you beat yourself up for not realising sooner? Do you now
see all the little signs that you chose to ignore?
Did
you cry?
If
you didn't then that is your first task? Cry for what you
have lost.
From
this point on you have a choice - to repair the relationship,
or to end the relationship. What a lot of people do is to
pretend that everything is ok, they pretend to deal with and
heal the rift. They do that because they are not honest enough
with themselves to admit that they have a comfortable lifestyle
they could not maintain on their own, so the infidelity is
tolerated - 'as long as it doesn't happen again', so a lifestyle
is maintained and physical comfort is secured. And the blinkers
firmly affixed to the head. They do that because they are
too ashamed of what family and friends will think. It's as
if they, the innocent party, will be seen as the guilty one
by others. It's as if they think that everyone else will think
'she mustn't be any good in bed. Why else would he look elsewhere?'
It's
tough on your own.
It's
tough on your own if you see yourself as too old to succeed
in another relationship or to attract another partner.
It's
tough on your own if you have no trust in the opposite sex
because 'they are all the same'.
The
biggest problem with repairing the relationship is dealing
with the betrayal and learning to trust again. Without trust
there is no relationship. Don't ever try to fool yourself
that you can have a relationship with someone you do not trust.
Without comfortable physical intimacy there is no relationship.
Without love there is no relationship. Don't ever try to fool
yourself that you can have an intimate relationship without
love. By intimate, I don't mean sexual. By intimate I mean
a sharing of thoughts, fears and desires, wishes and dreams,
hopes and worries. But a sharing that is born out of a sense
of knowing that your partner will not make fun of your dreams,
or dismiss your worries as if they were naught.
Love
- there's the word at the back of all this.
How
could he do this to me if he loves me?
The
truth is he couldn't. Love and betrayal are incompatible.
Where there is betrayal and deceit there is no love. Love
is an honouring of another. Love is a supporting and an encouraging
of another. It is loving to say 'I want to take a mistress.
Do you have a problem with that?', if part of the relationship
agreement you have with your partner is that you are faithful
to each other. You might not like hearing it, but love isn't
actually about bending over backwards to please someone because
of their particular sensitivities. Love is more about your
own integrity and being truthful to yourself and your ideals.
It
is worthwhile, at this point, to explore exactly what you
think loving someone means. And by explore I mean get out
a pen and paper and write down what you think it means. If
you are in the process of trying to repair a relationship,
then your partner needs to do this too and then you need to
swap and each see what the other thinks love is. By doing
this you will each have insight into the mind of the other.
However, it is important that neither one of you attempts
to defend your words or ideas. It is important that neither
of you criticises the thoughts of the other - either out loud
or in the privacy of your own mind.
If
there are points of agreement then there is a harmony that
can be built upon. If not then make a choice to each explore,
through reading inspirational books, the idea about what exactly
love is, or make a choice to wish each other well and go your
separate ways.
Stay
or go?
Attempt
to repair the damage, or start a new life alone?
One
of the difficulties of this time is the challenge of being
able to think clearly. As soon as thoughts return to the state
of the relationship, the emotions kick in and clarity falls
by the wayside.
There
is of course the past - the good times, the memories, the
gifts, the children, the mementoes, the accumulations of the
passage through time of two people and all they collect together.
Is it worth throwing THAT all away for a moment, or a year,
or two, of madness and indiscretion. After all he's weak-minded,
the temptation was there, she threw herself at him… what
else could you expect to happen.
And
there's the future - the growing old together, the holidays
and adventures and romance still imagined… the kids growing
up, the grandchildren… why sacrifice all of those dreams,
after all he says he's sorry and it won't happen again?
And
there's the present - the shame, having to endure those sympathetic
looks, the sudden silences when you walk into a room, going
shopping with the whole world knowing you failed to keep your
man.
None
of that matters.
That
doesn't mean that those things aren't important to you. If
something is important to you then it is important. But just
because something is important doesn't mean it matters. What
matters is you feeling okay about yourself and your world
as soon as possible.
You
have choices to make and you don't know what to do for the
best.
You've
been betrayed and you want to believe it won't happen again
but 5 or 10 years ago you'd have heard it would never happen
ever.
The
mistake is to believe that you can make a wrong decision.
You
can make decisions that don't bring about what you want. After
all you did make a choice to enter into a long-term agreement
with your partner wanting long-term happiness together - didn't
you?
So
you make choices based on the idea that the choice will bring
you what you want. The difficulty here is that you haven't
decided what you want. So that's a priority here. You have
to decide what you want. One of the difficulties that some
women encounter is knowing what they want. This is difficult
because many many women spend their lives giving themselves
away. They give themselves body and soul to their partners,
they give themselves to their children, they end up responsible
for the care of elderly parents and maybe other aging, isolated
relatives, but they very rarely give as much care to themselves
as they do to others. This is wonderful. There is nothing
nicer than having someone care for you in a loving way when
you need someone to do that. But what happens in the mind
of someone who is always looking after the needs of others
is that they neglect themselves. I'm not talking here of appearance,
or nutrition, I'm talking about feeling as if life is fulfilling;
feeling important; feeling as if you are valued and appreciated.
Because
of this the decision as to what exactly you do want, right
now, at this very difficult moment in your life, can seem
beyond your ability to make. The very act of thinking about
you and your needs immediately brings on associated thoughts
of how this choice will affect the children, the parents,
the friends, the partner and so on. And there is this huge
and very loving desire to minimise the hurt to anyone else,
even if that means sacrificing yourself.
So
your first choice is to decide whether or not you're ok with
continuing to sacrifice yourself and your needs and put others
first. If you are ok with that then the problem is solved.
Just do whatever your partner wants you to do. Do whatever
it takes to minimise the impact on family members. If you
totally and genuinely make this choice you will be okay because
you have decided to have no needs and no desires and no wants
and that will make your life very simple. If you make this
choice because it avoids making any other then you will not
be okay.
If
you have made the choice not to sacrifice yourself any longer,
and to live a life that feels fulfilling, then you are ready
for the next step.
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