Resistance
to Change
We
like things the way they are. Oh Yes, we want things to be
different too, but we don't want to have anything change in
order to have things different. The growing list of bankrupt
lottery winners gives testament to this. That's an example
of internal resistance to change. Internal resistance is born
from our own ideas and beliefs about our world and ourselves.
External resistance is when other people don't like the changes
we are making and resist them. External resistance is what
I'm going to explore with you here.
Families
provide wonderful examples of this external resistance to
change.
Most
of us know that when we were little and got sick we were looked
after. We maybe received a little extra attention, more cuddles,
ice cream, stories read to us and so on. If those things only
happened to us when we were sick we will have quickly learned
the value of sickness - at a subconscious level. So at those
times in our little lives when we felt particularly lonely
or unloved, we probably developed an illness. The severity
of that illness probably correlates quite well with just exactly
how lonely, isolated or unloved we felt. Now let's just suppose
that the carer, probably Mum, but maybe Dad, or a close relative,
has learned that their role in life is to care for others.
They only feel good about themselves, they only feel appreciated,
when they have someone to look after. You can see how these
two people could quickly become a team - a sickly, weak-constitutioned
child and a parent whose world revolves around this one.
Let's
move on a few years to teenagedom, and the sick child starts
to do what all teenagers do and rebel. They start to exercise,
eat better, and discover that members of the opposite sex
are not interested in someone who is always ill. So there
is a huge internal drive to break out of the mould. What would
happen here is that the parent would feel threatened as the
child needed them less. The child might discover that opposite
sex friends were not approved of, or were found fault with
by the parent. The child would be smothered with affection,
or have love totally withdrawn in an attempt to control the
situation.
In
most families we all take on roles. Clever, successful, weak,
sickly, artistic, stupid, mischievous, cheeky… we take
on these roles because there is a need for them. We are groomed
into them because the first time we do something in accordance
with that role, we find approval in some form. And so we repeat
the behaviour. We don't repeat the behaviour because we like,
or are, the behaviour, but because we like the approval/love/hugs/kisses/treats
that it generates. And then we end up believing that the role
is us.
Resistance
to change is a significant factor in the break up of adult
romantic relationships. One of the partners wants to grow,
wants to improve themselves, make new friends, or experience
new challenges, and the other partner resists, discourages,
and disparages. "Why do you bother, you'll never succeed",
"you'll be no good at that", "why do you want
to go out without me?"… when the real problem is
an insecurity that fears the loss of a loved one, because
they will be left behind and not found interesting any more.
Have
a look at yourself and people you are close to and see if
you can see any roles: carer, sickly, housekeeper, black sheep,
mischievous, clown, comedian, serious, intellectual, smart-ass,
stupid, clumsy, accident-prone, thick, emotional, hysterical,
and so on, that have been taken on. And if you are willing
to take a risk, try to stop behaving in the way that any role
of yours dictates and see what happens. Or if someone else
in the family has a strong role, treat them as if they were
the opposite and see what happens. This will give you an idea
of the power of these systems i.e. ideas, to keep people from
fulfilling their greatest potential. The worst of it is of
course that all this is happening without any awareness of
what's going on, because it's all created by subconscious
self-protective mechanisms that are designed to operate out
of our awareness so we can concentrate on what's important.
The
presence of this Power only becomes felt when one member of
the group starts to rock the boat - because we don't like
change. Mostly we don't like change that's out of our control.
For instance if your boss tells you the company is letting
go of some staff and you've got a month until you're out of
work; that's panic stations for most people. Yet if you decide
it's time for change and you tell your boss you're leaving
in a month there's more likely to be a feeling of excitement
and adventure. Yet what's actually happening is exactly the
same in both circumstances. The feelings are different because
in the first case we believe we've been disempowered, and
the second we've empowered ourselves.
Start
to take notice of circumstances when other people are pressuring
you.
Signs of this are:
Lack of enthusiasm for your idea
Hostility
Lack of availability
No support
Discouragement
Praise for the way you have been
Emotional manipulation
Withdrawal of affection/intimacy/love
Domination
Sulking
These
are just a few of the methods individuals use to manipulate
others into behaving in a certain way. Just start to notice
it, in your own family and with other people. It's going on
all around, all the time. The interesting stuff happens when
you start to resist the control that's always worked in the
past.
You
see, when you have only one strategy to get what you want,
that's the only thing you can do to get what you want. Now,
since most of us have been taught that whatever we're doing
can always be done better, and that we must try harder. It
doesn't take much thought to realise what happens when a strategy
isn't producing the desired results and it's the only way
we know to get what we want. What happens is that the strategy
is intensified. The emotional manipulation becomes harder
to resist, becomes more unfeeling, becomes more guilt inducing.
Stuff from the past is dredged up "but you've always
done it that way, why change now…", "you did
this to me, you did that to me, you owe me". And if this
doesn't result in you caving in and giving them what they
want, it intensifies even more and becomes a battle for survival.
Which is exactly what it is at a subconscious level.
I
draw your attention to this, not to dissuade you from attempting
to be who you really are, but in order that you can be forewarned,
so that you know that under no circumstances can you allow
yourself to give in to this manipulation. Rather, if you experience
this, look with compassion into the eyes of the one who is
so afraid of being themselves and realise that what they say
isn't about you, it's about them. If you give in, you are
teaching them that their strategy works. What you need to
teach is that it doesn't. When they discover that it doesn't,
they have no choice but to realise their mistake and look
for a better strategy. While the old one works, they will
keep it, and in keeping it, they keep you imprisoned in a
role that was never you.
Change
is scary, but it's the only way to experience the fullness
of you, and be who you really are.
And
on that note I'll leave you to enjoy discovering why it's
so difficult to be just yourself.
|
